Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
