at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
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I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
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i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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