he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
