grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
