the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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