My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
