Kiss
Puke
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
