Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
