Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
