did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
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She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
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I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I pour the whiskey from now on
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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