Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
