woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
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You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
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This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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