dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
