I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
