remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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