Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
