I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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