I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
