Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
