We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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