So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
