i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
