I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
