he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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