I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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