remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
