You just made me feel so damn special
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
