I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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