I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
