Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
