I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
