I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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