its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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