she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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