His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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