ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
