This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
