just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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