how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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