He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
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Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
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Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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