Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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