hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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