How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
