i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
