Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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