I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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