The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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