Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
