I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
