youre lurking in front of me
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
