Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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