There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
