News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
We need to get me chipped asap
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
