yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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