Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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