Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
